Some extra-fun colonoscopy prep tips

I had this really grandiose idea about writing a giant blog post after going through my colonoscopy, as if this would be a one-stop-shop for anyone about to get their first colonoscopy. But there are plenty of information sources for colonoscopies and what to expect from them (including, one would hope, your doctor). More importantly, the colonoscopy itself ended up being way less action-packed than the prep itself, and nobody told me that! So what I’m going to do is skip providing a traditional “how to” section about a colonoscopy and merely give you a list of things that I sure as hell WISH I’d known about colonoscopy prep, but that aren’t listed on, say, the Mayo clinic website. Not in any particular order. -EDIT, 17 January 2017

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  1. When you do your prep for a colonoscopy, you shit fire out of your ass for an entire day. They say it’ll only be for a few hours, but for some people, it can be for, say, 13 hours (read: me). THIRTEEN hours of sitting on a toilet with horrifying things coming out of you violently. This is, believe it or not, okay. Just be prepared, you might be in the minority, and you might be on the toilet for even longer than expected. But you’ll survive, I promise!
  2. Your poo will turn from dark brown smushiness to a liquid yellow, or even colorless.  It’ll have weird things in it when it’s yellow. Little bits of… whatever. That’s normal. Just yucky.
  3. Have a huge supply of really soft toilet paper in the house.
  4. Have a huge supply of wet wipes for your butt in the house (especially good if they are unscented, because the scented stuff can have chemicals that irritate your butt when it’s irritated).
  5. Soon, your anus will start to burn like fire, not in some kind of metaphorical sense. It will literally feel like it’s on fire. You think I’m kidding? You think I’m speaking in hyperbole? I am pretty sure if took a blow torch to my ass for a couple seconds, it’d feel just like it felt at about hour 10 of prep. So what you can do is, when you START feeling uncomfortable, you need to begin using the wet wipes to give your butt a break. And then once you’ve cleaned yourself off, totally slather your anus (I know, I know) with plain, unscented Vaseline. It will protect your precious, innocent butt. Because if you don’t do this, eventually your anus will begin cracking (NOOOOO!!!) and bleeding. Even if you DO do it, it may begin bleeding. You can apply this by putting a large dollop on a piece of toilet paper and carefully dabbing it all over yourself, right on the “good” bits. Don’t be shy. I started using the Vaseline late in the game and until I did, I found myself actually screaming while on the toilet. You shouldn’t consider me a typical case–I’m pretty sure my… session lasted an unusually long time. Nonetheless, once I put on the Vaseline things were way more pleasant. I just kept reapplying after each potty break.
  6. Some people find that once their pooing has subsided, a lukewarm bath is very soothing on the ol’ derriere. Just don’t put anything in the water, because some soaps can be irritating.
  7. Keep a range of reading material in the bathroom. I found that inane magazines were the best. I was unable to focus on any serious reading and found Time Out NY much better. Especially the fashion sections. I read that one person used to wheel her tv into the bathroom during this special time. That’s pretty brilliant. EDIT, 17 January 2017: Since writing this portion, I think the idea that someone would “wheel” any television anywhere is hilarious. Even a few years ago, what was I thinking? Obviously, you’re just gonna bring your iPad or your phone into the bathroom like we all pretend we DON’T do, and you’re gonna watch Netflix or Hulu on it. That’ll do just fine. But if by some miracle you still have a television that sits on a device with wheels… well, do you think you could take a picture of it and send it to me? I’d like to see that in action. My grandpa had that setup and I miss it!
  8. Speaking of televisions, you’re going to have a lot of time in between potty breaks where you won’t really be able to be far away from the toilet, but also unable to do anything else.  So I think now would be a great time to have a tv show marathon.  Mine was Law & Order: SVU. I’ll admit that the occasional mention of “anal tearing” on that show due to all the raping was really off-putting given my condition at the time, but otherwise, it was very entertaining. Christopher Meloni is HOT (Sorry, boyfriend, you know I love you and you’re the hottest man in the world…). Weirdest way to be distracted by a colonoscopy prep ever? This is embarrassing.
  9. Drink tons of gatorade the day before you do your cleanse. You’re gonna be WIPED. OUT. So basically you’ll want to make sure your electrolytes don’t get dangerously out of balance. Best way to do this is to load up beforehand.
  10. Wear incredibly comfortable clothing that can be removed super quickly. I recommend pajama pants or sweatpants without drawstrings, or at least without drawstrings tied. You will be really surprised as to how quickly you’ll need to rip your pants and underwear off. Don’t be silly and wear jeans or something. You will not have time to remove them… and then you’ll be in one horrible mess. (shudder)
  11. Drink vanilla and/or strawberry Ensures (or other such “meal replacement” shakes) to keep your energy up. They’re delicious! Sorta! Not really! They’re fine… they’re better than starving. Most doctors are perfectly fine with you drinking these on the day of your prep. Ask your doc!
  12. Make homemade chicken broth (or vegetable broth if you’re a vegetarian or vegan) before your prep. That way, instead of drinking some crap from a can or whatever, you’ll have something delicious and fresh and full of vitamins/minerals. There are many recipes for chicken stock on the ol’ Internets. It isn’t hard, just time-consuming. But remember you can freeze it and if you have extra left over you can use it for making soups later. Real food to replace what you just did. EDIT, 17 January 2017: Don’t listen to me if you don’t feel like making homemade broth, go get some broth from a can, pouch, or make some from a bouillon cube… or that Better than Bouillon stuff. I was going through a real, snobby asshat phase when I wrote this post where I just HAD to cook everything from scratch. Now I live in reality and cutting corners is what most people have to do because, hello, people have families, jobs, they’re sick, etc. Broth is delicious in all forms. Just do whatever you can do and have some delicious broth! YUM.
  13. Make sure you have tons of soap in the bathroom. Because you are going to need to wash your hands approximately seven million times. And if your hands tend to get dry, some lotion, as well. EDIT, 17 January 2017: AND. It’d better be a scent you really like, because you’ll only smell it seven million times, remember. The way I see it, you have a few options, depending on what kind of person you are. 1) Pick a soap scent you already know you love; 2) Pick a special soap and scent, something reeeeally extra wonderful, because hey if you can’t have nice soap now when’s the time?!; 3) Switch it around so you won’t be bored with the smell and/or nauseated by it (some people find a repeated smell unpleasant). Do give this some thought based on your relationship to smells. I’m extremely sensitive to scent and decided on a lavender-scented soap because it’s my favorite scent.
  14. Hemorrhoid cream! This might make your butt feel better after several hours of diarrhea. Give it a try.
  15. Don’t be alone in the house. I mean, I don’t recommend having a family member, friend, or partner in the bathroom with you unless you have problems getting on and off the toilet (in which case, they are really in for a fun time and you need to buy them a drink after this), but it’s a comfort to have someone around who can get things for you if you need. There were a number of times I screamed things like, “VASELINE!!!” and “MORE TOILET PAPER AAAAAAAH” down the stairs. Also, you will want emotional support. I found it extremely difficult not to vomit the Suprep stuff you have to drink… TWICE. My boyfriend stood there while I drank it cheering me on. At once point when I was very nauseated he comforted me by giving me a little back massage and that distracted me quite a bit from it.
  16. When you’re drinking your prep stuff, use a straw! That way, the horror touches less of your tongue and you taste less of it. Also, refrigerate the stuff for a little while before drinking it. The tongue tastes a bit less of something when it is very cold. EDIT: One of the people in the comments section came up with the idea of creating prepsicles (brilliant), which didn’t work for them (they have a very sensitive stomach), but I think this might work for others. Freeze the wretched Suprep and eat it like a popsicle. See if you have better luck not puking it up that way. Executed with Crystal Lite, apparently.
  17. THE NAUSEA GOES AWAY! If you can just make it through the first 30 minutes of nausea you’re pretty much home free. Then of course it all comes out of your butt, which is gross, but I prefer that to feeling like I’m going to hurl. Keep telling yourself it’s almost over, it’s almost over, don’t throw up. EDIT, 17 January 2017: If you absolutely can’t keep this nasty garbage in your stomach, don’t wait, call your gastroenterologist right away. It might be that you need another type of prep. And that’s okay! Everyone’s different. I have such a sensitive stomach, a fairy was likely sprinkling magic anti-nausea dust on me to help me keep that shit down.
  18. When you’re nauseated, you will often salivate a lot. Try to spit it out instead of swallowing it. Sometimes swallowing makes you even more likely to gag.
  19. Once it’s all over, remove all the towels in the bathroom and sanitize everything. I really don’t think I need to extrapolate on that one. You doodooed a lot.

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Here are some colonoscopy bonus facts:

  1. The shit they give you to make you go asleep during your colonoscopy (read: if you’re given meds for your colonoscopy, and they call it “twilight”, you won’t feel a thing, awesome!!!) makes most people borderline euphoric when they awaken. YAY!  Enjoy it. Mmmmmm. Druuuugs.
  2. They pump you full of air when they do a colonoscopy, like your intestines become one of those long, thin clown balloons. I can only hope they don’t try to make any shapes out of the intestines but let’s not go there. Well it’s not like the air stays in you forever. Which is HI-LARIOUS. Don’t be a jerk and be all embarrassed. C’mon.  You come out of your colonoscopy, laying on recovery bed all woozy, pretty happy from the drugs, and you are gonna fart and fart and fart. Epic farts, monstrous farts. Award-winning farts. And you’ll hear OTHER peoples’ farts. So let your fart flag fly, dude. Don’t be all, oh no! Someone heard me fart. Seriously? The recovery nurses (god help them) hear farts ALL. DAY. LONG. I had a good laugh with a very nice nurse named George over it. Take your special farting in public loudly opportunity and let ‘er rip. George takes it all very seriously: “I don’t let anyone leave until I’ve heard them farting.” (giggle) Great, George. That’s great. It must be quite something to know him personally. EDIT, 17 January 2017: I still think about George, and wish him well. I hope he continues to encourage every once of his patients to fart really, really loudly for him. What a freeing experience.
  3. Before your colonoscopy you’ll be wandering around with your ass hanging out of a gown and worry about strangers looking at your ass. Why? Honestly however your ass looks, remember that really, really, really, really old people get colonoscopies a lot. However old you are, someone older than you gets colonoscopies where you are about to get yours. And their butt is probably wrinklier/bigger/stranger/spottier/whatever than yours. But who cares? It’s just a butt.

Alright that’s it. I hope you’ve learned some good tips and/or gotten some relief and have learned from my experience. Now I will try to forget about that prep forever and ever, or until the next time. The colonoscopy itself is a snap! It’s the prep that sucks. YEEK. Next time I know what to do!

EDIT, 17 January 2017: I’ve received so many positive responses from this post, which brought me tremendous joy. People shared their own stories, prep-tips, and told me that laughter helped them with their prep experience. Those comments meant and continue to mean so much to me. I write very frankly, which is why you see words like “fire” a lot, and I fully admit to enjoying drugs in a medical setting (c’mon now, you do, too… c’mon… ever have morphine after a surgery? I had my appendix out once and WHOA nelly, I still fantasize about that sweet nectar). But I hope nobody took that to mean I wasn’t taking the topic seriously, and had–and continue to have–a very real hope to help people feel better about situations such as swallowing poison that makes you shit out every bit of fecal matter in your body, followed by having a total stranger shove a big hose up your ass. Resilience: people are built of the stuff. We survive strange, painful things all the time, every day, as evidence by the birth of each and every once of us (coincidentally, ANOTHER event that involves poop in a really unpleasant and embarrassing way). I’m no guru, but for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure the way to live isn’t to eliminate pain. It’s to figure out how to accept it when it happens and enjoy life despite it. We all have pain. Conservative, liberal, moderates, Black, White, Asian, gay, straight, trans, no faith, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, northerners, southerners, midwesterners; doctors, steel workers, teachers, people without homes, people in mansions, apartment renters. A lot of different kinds of people, not one of them born without the ability to feel pain. We all have to figure out what to do about it, whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual pain. I don’t know about you, but a couple things help me deal with it: being informed, and laughing my ass off.

Thank you for your comments. I do hope you’ll keep them coming. 🙂  –Rachael

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226 responses

  1. Today is bowel prep day for me. I have only recently recovered from 10 days of rocket fire diarrhea without the aid of movi-prep and I am not looking forward to the horror of what I like to call the “poop juice” (salty dirty dishwater taste) I’m about to choke down. Years ago, just after my first colonoscopy, I read Dave Barry’s hilarious colonoscopy writings. I found your writing here more helpful and you made me absolutely roar with tears if laughter while attempting to read aloud to my husband and adult son. You have turned today’s dread into laughter and I thank you! (Your byline needs to be much prominent in this posting! Great writing!)

  2. Prepping for my second colonoscopy in a month because they didn’t get one polyp removed the first time because it was in a difficult location (thanks, Mayo!). I have to get it with general anesthesia this time instead of the euphoric Twilight drugs. Got to your page by sitting on the pot googling “anal pain colonoscopy.” LOL. I’m almost done with 3/4 of the jug ‘o’ Golytely (worst drug name ever) they’re having me drink this time and regretting I didn’t know the Vaseline trick ahead of time. I have even wondered if I could use lip balm since I don’t have Vaseline. Desperate measures for desperate times. I get to chug even more Golytely in the morning. Ah well, at the end of the day, it’s a lot better than colon cancer, have to look for perspective when my butt is ablaze…

  3. Well here I sit. On the pot an hour and a half into my prep. Absolutely no burning you will be gratified to learn. I have sat here the whole time as my Doc thought being near the loo was important. She was right. However, I was starting to believe I was done with this half prep and decided to get up. Pulled up underwear and jeans and more or less immediately leaked.

    So I started looking on the Internet for clues or tips to tell me when it would be safe to get up. Found your funny blog, but no answer to that question. Oh well. I am still gurgling. Maybe that’s a sign.

  4. Thanks, Rachael; as a 16-year-old having a colonoscopy this really helped! I agree that indeed it felt like fire coming out of my ass! I appreciate that you took the time to do this !
    D

  5. I am currently sitting on the toilet and came across your funny and truthful article. Not only is my ass on fire, I’m dreading tomorrow morning when I have to do more.

    Yes, the saliva is becoming a really gross stew in my mouth. I am fighting the nausea. I am a nurse of 21 years and have had to “feed” this stuff to patients regularly. I know this is a survivable prep for a fact and the only thing that keeps me going is that I am half way there so the thought of starting again is inconceivable!

    I wish I had Vaseline but at least have wipes!

  6. Scared out of my mind. Prep on Wednesday, colonoscopy at 07:15 am Thursday. I’ve researched everything I can, that’s how I found this site. I’ll be starting 2nd half of prep at midnight so I’ll be reading this site for some much needed humor.

  7. Oh and I already have hemorrhoids from he’ll and my instructions are absolutely no creams, vaseline or anything. They told me to sit in warm water, REALLY????? I’m going to scrapping my brains out how am I going to sit in warm water??? I’m going to use Vaseline and try to wash it off before I leave the house at 06:00 after sitting on the commode all night. It’s going to be a long night…..

    • Well I made it, the prep was pretty bad, but what made it worse was all of the white grape juice I drank the day before the prep. I went on a completely soft diet for the entire week before the prep.I think that was a really great idea. I loaded up on Vaseline and Preparation H wipes and bought depends too. I needed all of those items believe me. The flexible straw really helped while drinking the citrate of magnesia, what a great tip! I was allowed to drink the Miralax in any flavor of G2 Gatorade so I chose grape. I drank it slightly chilled and it was pretty easy to get through. Regular Gatorade could not be orange, red, or purple, I prefer “diet” drinks anyway so that was no problem. I started my prep 30 minutes early and the last half gallon of G2/Miralax at 10:30 pm.I gobbed Vaseline like crazy there were a few times i thought i would pass out fromthe pain of a scalded ass, seriously it felt like I was crapping razor blades for more than a few hours. I finally stopped crapping around 3:30 and then had to get the Vaseline off, so I soaked a wet paper towel in Dawn dishwashing liquid and patted it all over while in the shower. That was pretty rough, but it did the trick. I fell asleep around 4:00 and hubby woke me up at 05:30. Two more trips to the bathroom before we left the house and 2 trips at the docs office. They found 2 polyps one large one so I go back in two years. Whatever you do, don’t drink juice, what a nightmare I started the prep with a scalded ass, don’t let them put the IV in your handeither! The nurse tried twice geeze it hurt, I told her to stop and find the vein in my arm. She finally listened to me but my hand still tingles I think she hit a nerve. Get Depends, Vaseline, wipes, and drink as many fluids as you can, eat jello and broth, but whatever you do don’t drink white grape juice!!!!

      • rob, I think the acid in the white grape juice did it. I was scalded and had diarrhea before I started my prep. The day before my prep I drank a whole bottle of white grape juice, I needed the jug to mix my miralax /Gatorade part of prep. That was so stupid!!!! I also drank orange Gatorade and iced tea all day. I ate cream of chicken soup, yougurt and almond butter on Ritz crackers. For dinner i ate 4 scrambled eggs and two pieces of regular white bread toast. I can’t imagine going through the prep without being on a soft diet for a week. I had stopped eating meat on Thursday the week before prep day which was the following Wednesday. I made my jello Tuesday night before prep day. Drink as much as you can on day before prep and I know it’s hard but drink, drink, drink during prep. I was allowed consomme’ and broth, that was good for warming me up. You get pretty cold losing that much fluid. I also tried different flavors in advance to see which Gatorade I liked best. I took it out of the fridge for a while before I drank it so it wouldn’t be too cold.

      • Rachael, thank you so much for this site. The doctors don’t tell you anything. Once I got home I went straight to bed and immediately had a splitting headache. I thought it would stop but the longer I laid there the worse it got,so I got up and propped up on the couch. It went away so I went back to bed and it came back. I realized that laying down was causing the headache. It finally stopped at around 8:00pm. On Friday the day after my colonoscopy I woke up with my toe killing me. I ignored it until I couldn’t stand it anymore and finally figured out it was Gout!!! I’ve never had Gout in my life. I researched that and found out that it is caused by high levels of uric acid. A really rare side effect of propofol is uric acid. I think the juice and propofol combo caused the Gout. If anyone gets this lovely side effect drink tart cherry juice. It neutralizes the uric acid. I also had to deal with an extremely itchy anus. I dont know if that was because of the razor blade anus or an allergic reaction to the solution they use to clean the scopes with. Preperation H for 2 days stopped that problem. Yea, i get to do this again year after next, but since i had a large polyp and a smaller one it was worth it. Thanks again for this site, clearly we need to help each other to know what to expect and for support!

  8. Thank you, thank you for your hilarious accurate accounting and information that I didn’t find anywhere else! You made me laugh during this torturous prep and helped me to relax a bit about the procedure itself. Bless you!

  9. Hi, thanks so much. This made me laugh so much I did fart. I just had my first prep drink and it was orange and not bad at all. A bit like flat fizzy drink. I’ve had two days of poo softener and it’s done bugger all. But all I’ve had today is fluid and I’m over it. Gag. happy Mother’s Day to me, happy Mother’s Day to me.
    I’m drinking large amounts of fluid for the next hour and a half and I just finished rummaging around in the laundry cupboard for the petroleum jelly.
    I knew it would come in handy one day. I FOUND IT. Yayyy.
    Thanks again

  10. Wish I had read this before starting my prep. Some things I would have done differently: Use wet wipes and petroleum jelly. Cut down on eating a few days in advance to shrink my stomach. GAWD, I’m hungry!

    If you can’t handle the hunger pains very well, have others in your household go out for food, so cooking and food smells don’t make things harder on you, and try not to be around while they’re eating. Make a lot of jello the day before you start your liquid diet, so you have something at least semi solid to eat.

  11. Oh. I really needed a belly laugh in between preps! just about to drink my second dose, but there’s nothing left to shit!. can’t wait for the farting competition tomorrow, farts still make me laugh and I’m 55..
    Thank you and congratulations on your candid and detailed account. I hope writing is your profession, otherwise it is a waste!
    kind regards

  12. Oh how I wish I had found this 8 hours ago BEFORE I started my prep! Great suggestions and hysterical! Thank you for providing me some comic relief at 3:24 am as I enter round two of my prep. Excellent suggestions too. You may have said it and I may have missed it since I have been pooping fire water since 8:30 last night and am a bit sleep deprived but mix up your prep ahead of time and refrigerate it. Cold seems to be more palatable. I mixed in some lemon citrus light which helped too. And thank goodness we had some Desityn cream in the house because it is helping cool the anal fire. One more hour of prep for me. Wish me luck!!

  13. I am disappointed… the G.I. group did not include your post when I scheduled the appointment. You are so right on!! This article could be required reading for colonoscopy patients. I found it too late in the game and would have benefited from your advice. During prep I benefited from your experience by learning that someone else’s anus was on fire. You are so right on!!! Thanks 🙂

  14. Unfortunately I googled “anus burning colonoscopy” AFTER my procedure because I was looking for any kind of relief for this awful burning feeling around my corn hole. LOL I fasted all day yesterday and took a dose of the Suprep at 5pm and again this morning at 7:30am to get ready for my 1:40pm appointment. I didn’t notice the “ass burn” until I got home from my appointment. (I am STILL having diarrhea and it’s almost 10pm). I wish I would have prepared my anus better because you are absolutely correct about the burning. I am a long distance road cyclist and I use “Chamois Butt Butter” to prevent chafing during a long ride. If only I had been more prepared for this experience. Your article was entertaining and oh so true!!!

  15. My prep is in two days, and though this isn’t my first colonoscopy, I’m anxious about the prep. The drink is different and I keep reading about the salty taste. Yuck. Anyway, you made me laugh till I cried! Thank you, and bless you for sharing.

    • Morning Phylis, not sure if you realise but when I had my prep, no one told me I could add squash to it, as long as it’s not blackcurrant/red berries I’m sure it would’ve helped!!! Also, have some boiled sweets ready too – same applies with the red coloured ones. I also drank it through a large straw so it touched as little of my mouth as it needed to!!
      Wishing you lots of luck with your prep and procedure 🍀💐🌸

  16. Why didn’t I look this up 12 hours ago??? Ass is on fire and I will be getting that Vaseline real soon. I get the added bonus of them going down my throat (EGD) after the colonoscopy. Hope they wash that camera up good!!!! LOL

  17. I just took my second dose of the prep and thought I was dying. I came across your article and you had me in tears, I was laughing so hard. Thank you

  18. This was so funny and I shared it on my FB page. I found it the day after I had my first colonoscopy but it’s true and its good to laugh about the gross prep and the procedure. I gag at the thought of the stuff I drank UGH but I felt nothing during the procedure-totally knocked out LOL. I used something called Butt Butter to save my poor butt from the ravages of diarrhea-thank goodness for that stuff! Thanks again for a great article!!

    • Thank you for the share and kind words! I really want to look up “Butt Butter” now, and will do so after work. That is very intriguing, and a WELL-named product.

  19. Hi Guy & Gals. Doesn’t the vaseline make it messy, do you put it on after every blast you make? When you pat your anus does the vaseline mix in with the stuff that comes out, I usually go every 20 minutes or so. Guess I am asking just how often do you use the vaseline? is it safe to flush down the toilet with out plugging up the pipes.

    Thanks, Gary in Macomb MI USA

    • Good questions. It is pretty messy, but I mean… it’s already pretty damn messy. I ended up dabbing it on after I went, poop fire, then dab myself clean, dab more on, and so on. Every single time because I was in so much pain and it was one of the only things helping me, so it was well worth the fact that it took more care/effort to clean myself after each poop session. I didn’t have any problem with the pipes at all, but I didn’t end up using much Vaseline when it came down to it. Even being really generous with it like that, a little goes so far. We have pretty bad water pressure, too. That said, I couldn’t say what impact this would have on someone’s pipes if they had to undergo a significant number of preps in a row. I suppose at that point it would be worth consulting a plumber!

      • Well, everything went fine, not one burn or itch. What I did was grease up right before the first cocktail and each time after a blast. I also had a pail filled with warm water on the floor near the toilet. I took the toilet paper after each blast, no matter how small, and dipped it into the water and just patted with clean toilet paper twice, then pat with no water to somewhat dry & then re-grease each and every time. Do not miss an application no matter what.

        I bought a bad of Depends and wore them through out the whole time, even to the hospital where the procedure was done. I also had a few blasts after eating something when I got home.

        Thank you to everyone here for the tips.

  20. I am under going my preparation today and am currently searching the internet for ways in which to combat the terrible bout of ‘burning anus’ that I am currently experiencing!! 😂 Your post is absolutely hilarious, Rachel!! I am literally wetting myself here (as well as the other obvious side effects of the meds!). Thank you for cheering me up – you’re absolutely hilarious! 😂😂

  21. As I sit here at 12:43am and type as my anus is on fire, I can’t help but laugh and feel a little relieved. This is my 2nd time doing this and somehow like child birth the pain isn’t something I remembered until it happened, still happening. I’m rounding home base and have to drink 10oz of the devils drink before my endo/colonoscopy at 7am. Bless my anus and everyone else’s anus. The anus never asked for this, nor did this toilet I sit upon. Christ, I can’t even wipe anymore, just dabbing away. Let’s this hellish day be over quick and make the forth be with me at 7am. I thank you for the comfort and the tips for next time.

  22. Well, everything went fine, not one burn or itch. What I did was grease up right before the first cocktail and each time after a blast. I also had a pail filled with warm water on the floor near the toilet. I took the toilet paper after each blast, no matter how small, and dipped it into the water and just patted with clean toilet paper twice, then pat with no water to somewhat dry & then re-grease each and every time. Do not miss an application no matter what.

    I bought a bad of Depends and wore them through out the whole time, even to the hospital where the procedure was done. I also had a few blasts after eating something when I got home.

    Thank you to everyone here for the tips.

  23. Going through it now! Thanks for the laughs! And as I say, gotta go “fire in the hole”! Wish me luck. I have to wake up at 3:30 to finish the “poison”….

  24. Hello! Your article made me LOL while I was undergoing the joys of colonoscopy prep. (Could have been disastrous.)

    Based on my own recent experience, I have a new recommendation for you to consider adding to your blog: Boudreaux Butt Paste. After several episodes in la toilette, I swear that flaming shards of glass were emerging from my you-know-what. Wet Wipes: like wet sandpaper. Vaseline: useless. Preparation H: like pouring gasoline on a fire. Boudreaux Butt Paste: saved my butt.

    A bidet would also have been a blessing, but we in the US apparently don’t want them there fancy European gadgets.

  25. I’ve endured 3! Colonoscopy Preps in 6 months. The first one last Dec was God awful. I was still on the toilet the next morning. Called the hospital to tell them I was “running late for my 10:00 appt. Was told it was canceled because I was supposed to be there at 8:00. Wow, was I ever furious after enduring the prep. Had one in January. Was told I had to come back in 6 months because there was a large polyp the Doc was unable to totally remove. Mad again! The 3rd was in June. She removed the large one which was very deep. Also found MORE polyps. Have to go back in a year. As you said, the burning was the worst part. Felt extremely weak. Could hard walk the next day. I’ll try your GatorAid and chicken stock next year. Thank you for your advice on the firey burning. Did all that but unfortunately it didn’t help me. I wore Depends plus a thick pantie liner. Leaked right through them. Fortunately I had bed liners for sleeping. Leaked through all of that! I have a problem with holding “it” in, so that made it all a lot worse. Had a big blast of the watery poop the morning of the procedure. Then when I came out of the anesthesia, I was laying on on a large bed pad which was fortunate because I soaked that. The only good thing about it all was that they had a warm air “blanket” I was under before the procedure. Can’t wait for the next one (ha ha ha)!

  26. PS to my last post…my husband of 30 years has no problems with the prep. He REALLY enjoys the anesthesia. He has had several colonoscopies. I have been taking narcotics for chronic pain for years, so the anesthesia does nothing for me. It’s all one big nightmare😱

  27. Thanks to my dad I have hair on my butt and I’m a woman. So imagine all the suffering you do beforehand with the pooping so your butt is sore. Add to that razor burn after the colonoscopy and if it’s a hot summer heat rash too. Fun times, oh yes, my dear friends. By the way I had 2 colonoscopies in Spain in 1995 and I was completely awake kneeling on the exam table and watching on the monitor. It’s much better and less painful to be put to sleep!

  28. Loved your thoughts, and I actually found it by typing in “asshole on fire after colon prep”. I do wonder why we have to do two, my first one now is clear water, I am pretty sure at 1:30 to 3:00 am it will be more of the same.Thanks for the tips, now off to the bathroom, again.

  29. You are a gifted writer. This was the funniest blog I have come across – ever. Thank-you.

    Needless to say, I am finishing up my colonoscopy prep for the night. But I am supposed to drink another 2 glasses of “double—strength” miralax tomorrow morning. Today I had 10 ounces of magnesium citrate plus 14 “single-strength”doses of miralax, per the doctors written instructions. Yuck!

    • That is very kind!! Seems like you have to drink a LOT of miserable grossness… I am sorry to hear it. Blegh. I hope your colonoscopy goes smoothly. 🙂

  30. Thank you for the laugh!! As I lay here on my bed my ass feeeling like it’s on fire I laughed till I cried at you article. I keep praying I’m almost done peeing out my butt. I got through drinking all the NASTY ASS prep drink and hoping it’s almost through my body. Once thing I would add that helped me is to mix the nasty crap with Gatorade and suck on lemon drops afterwards.

  31. Wow, this is my first colonoscopy and I have experienced the fires of hell! I actually found your site looking up if it was normal to feel hot lava pouring from the little butt volcano I just discovered. Needless to say I was vary thankful to hear that this was “normal” and I would probably not be poop disabled for the rest of my very likely short life. Thank you so much for the laugh. I am now ready to face more tomorrow morning, but this time armed with the knowledge you have so hysterically provided.

  32. Rachel, I mean this with all of my heart… I love you. I’m currently going into hour 9 of my prep and the fire which burns is never ending. I hopped on Google for some ideas for relief and found your article (hubby is now on his way to the store). Thank you so much for the laughter and amazing tips.

  33. I really loved reading your funny informative post about colonoscopies. I am having mine in three days. I will use a straw and vasaline! ! Got to go buy some crystal light for flavoring. Also not swallowing the salava is new to me. You shared some good info and made it funny! Thanks so much😊

  34. Omg! I died laughing hard I almost pooped myself. Thank God I made it to the pot. You made me laugh so much, and made me feel so much better. My butthole burns so bad like 🔥 but I’ll live. Thank goodness for your sense of humor and wit! I’ll be grabbing some Vaseline, and slabbing that stuff on like nobody’s business!

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