Coffee + Depression

When you have chronic pain, you often struggle with depression. It’s important to face it head on. Don’t ignore it. Depression is real, it’s serious, and it can be deadly. It can get out of control. Depression caused by chronic pain can get particularly ugly, because those of us with chronic pain often know that the pain will not be going away–ever. There’s no relief in sight. Or, if we get relief, it is fleeting. That’s a depressing thought. It’s difficult to get around that, and one has to figure out how to make some kind of peace with it. Once, I wrote this short piece describing depression, and what it feels like to me. I hope if you suffer from depression, you know two things: 1) you are not alone. 2) you need help… get it.

Depression is seeing a cup of coffee.  Saying to yourself in your mind, pick up the coffee.  Pick up the god damn cup of coffee.  What’s wrong with you?  You can do this.  Pick up the coffee.  It’s not that hard.  You can do this.

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Then you pick up your stupid cup of coffee and say, hold it by the handle.  You can do it.  Turn the cup around and hold the fucking handle.  Just hold a cup of coffee like a normal person, god damn it.

Okay now move your arm up and put the cup up to your mouth.  Just get it in the proximity of your face.  It’s 100 pounds but you can do it.  Look at everyone else, they bring cups up to their face all the time.

Touch the cup to your lips.  Get it to your god damn lips, you lifted it up near your face, now get it to your lips.  Or move your heavy head towards the cup so your mouth meets the cup.  Or both, whatever it takes.  Just get the cup to your stupid lips.

Alright you did it, open your lips.  Very good.  Take a sip of coffee.  Take a real sip of coffee.  That’s not a sip of coffee, that’s like one droplet of coffee.  Take a normal-sized sip of coffee that counts as a real amount.  Okay, it’s in your mouth.  You did it.  Swallow it.  SWALLOW IT.  What is wrong with you, you usually do this every day.  Swallow your fucking coffee.

Congratulations, you’ve swallowed some coffee.  It tastes mediocre.  I guess, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s good.  I don’t know what’s good right now.  Put the mug down.  I’ll try that again in a half hour.

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9 responses

    • Thank you, that’s quite the complement! I showed it someone I know who suffers from depression and he looked at me sheepishly and said, “Yep.” Man I hate that feeling, everything seems to weigh 100 pounds.

      • Totally and expressively accurate. I have a draft post about depression and when I read yours, I thought that says it all, I don’t need to say a thing 🙂

        Back when I did it, weed gave me that slow heaviness too. Minus the mood.

    • Thanks, I wish it wasn’t so accurate, because it’s pure hell, right? Thanks for reblogging this. I read some of your blog, it’s great! Also, TMNT!!!! I’ll never get tired of them… when I was younger, I used to fantasize about being Raphael!!!

    • I was once told there is no such thing as normal. As I grow older, I really believe it. We have to find what’s ‘normal’ for us, not what is the stereotype for normal. But even that is hard most days.

  1. I think you’re right, I really don’t think there is such a thing as normal. There’s society’s idea of what normal is (which both changes constantly and is usually unobtainable), and then there’s the normal you have with yourself–a kind of normal you self-identify with.

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