First I have to apologize for never following up on my “thrilling” colonoscopic experience. I can now tell you I do not have cancer or ulcerative colitis, or any kind of lingering severe infectious agent. They did find diverticulosis, which I’ll enjoy adding to my list of concerns, and I continue to have IBSish symptoms. IBS being the stupidest diagnosis ever. Doctors are so desperate to put something into a neat little box they have to essentially make up a condition. Not that people with diagnosed IBS aren’t suffering–quite the contrary. Rather, it’s a non-diagnosis. It’s like saying, “I have no idea what’s wrong with you so I’ll lump you in with all the other people who don’t have diagnoses and we’ll call THAT a diagnosis.” What a pathetic state of affairs.
I have been altering my diet somewhat to make things easier on my intestines and it’s helped me a little bit… we’ll see how things will progress over time. All of this from ONE incident of infectious colitis. Life sure does throw curve balls often, doesn’t it? For those of you keeping up, here’s a really fine drawing of myself at my current state:
But my wonky digestive system isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I have been thinking primarily about the very life essence of people lately. What is a personality? Is it malleable? Do people really change? And in what percentages do people change? Is it that most people don’t change, but a few get “better” and many more get “worse”? Those terms are pretty subjective, but I bet we could all agree that there are certain “goodnesses” we can all agree on (kindness, love, truth, generosity) and uh… “badnesses” (haha, okay, sorry about how awful these words are) that don’t sound so great to anyone (cruelty, prejudice, greed, hate, violence). I grapple with these questions because I feel myself changing as I have watched my friends and family change or stay the same as the case may be. Being pleasantly surprised by the change or stasis is a rarity… usually I find myself disappointed in who people truly turn out to be.
If you are dealing with one or several chronic illnesses, you probably found yourself changing like I’m finding myself changing. I have some theories as to why… first of all, people learn and grow in life through experience, especially stressful experience. If you have more than the average share on your plate, or if it’s coming to you all at once, I think it speeds up the natural growth process. To use an analogy: the human body is exposed to viruses and bacteria from time to time and the immune system (if functioning properly) learns how to defeat them. Under normal circumstances a person’s immune system doesn’t have to deal with too much at one time, and thus, it strengthens slowly over time. But what if someone fell into some kind of bacterial virus nightmare vat and their body had to deal with tons of shit at once, assuming they survived that, the body will have picked up a lot of skills in a short period of time. And the body will have been forever changed. This analogy is a bit silly and not entirely accurate, but I think my point is made. QUICK change. Time-defying change. Conclusion: chronic illness (or any other serious hardship) alters the natural timeline for personal emotional growth.
Whether or not the changes happening in me are good I cannot say. I feel somewhat scattered because I’m unfamiliar with myself. But I enjoy the person I’m becoming. I seem to be more sure of my self worth. I care more about other people, particularly strangers, in that I see myself in other people and imagine how they might be hurting. Perhaps suffering adds empathy, although I don’t kid myself… I know much of this is imagined empathy. Real or imagined, I consider it a good thing. I notice more happy moments as they are happening than I used to. You know how it goes. You’re sitting around, thinking back on some event from 5 years ago and how great it was, and wishing you’d enjoyed it while it was happening. Well I think I’m enjoying those things in real time. Some of the negative changes I’ve noticed in myself are that the stagnancy of others where it exists almost revolts me. I know I shouldn’t judge people, but I do. I wonder how they can bare to be so cowardly. They see things in themselves that they dislike and do nothing. They revolt against the change because it hurts to change. At least that’s what I believe. This is not to judge those who can’t or shouldn’t change things about themselves for many reasons I won’t get into. But let’s face it. Almost none of us couldn’t do with a little work on our personality. We’re just too lazy to put forth the effort. I got “lucky”–life forced me to change. All I had to do is say to myself, okay, I’m going to embrace this and see where it leads. It’s terrifying, no doubt, but I believe finding out new things about one’s self is not bad. Self-reflection is not just about knowing yourself. It’s about understanding other people, too. I believe that because I believe we have more in common with each other than we’d like to think.
Conclusions… hm… can people change? Yes we can fucking change. People are full of shit when they say, “people don’t change.” Or “people never change.” A more realistic statement might be, “people can change, but it is painful and difficult.” Or, “people can change but they have to want to change.” Which is why you can’t make your partner stop throwing their dirty socks on the living room chair no matter WHAT you say. You know, until they realize it’s gross.
If you want to be different, don’t give up. Keep trying.